i write this from something very close to despair. i am being netstalked by two who insist and persist on slandering me to others, working to have me banned from any place they happen to note we share a presence, and generally demonstrating in every moment such extremes of hatred and ill intent as to render me physically ill.
well over a month ago, as a means of practice and to try and work through this to find loving kindness and compassion, i wrote two pieces in which i specifically addressed their good qualities. and have since used it in nightly meditations.
until tonight. today has been filled with yet another spate of this overt slander and negativity, and after a short time of peace and thinking perhaps they had at long last stopped, i was unprepared to find it as present and vociferous as ever.
it angered me. i have done nothing to these people. i have severed every tie. i have allowed them to do as they do and kept my mind on wishing them good things, peace, happiness, and enlightenment.
but today, in the face of another extreme attack, i finally lost my temper. became angry. angry enough to put my attorney on it with a mind to haul them into court and stop this horrible slander they insist on performing. the brief is prepared, and i thought to speak with my lama. his counsel was not to file it. instead, to return to the pieces i had written and set myself to find the way back to how i felt before the anger.
which i will do. but it just feels like all the hard effort and best intent have been ruined. and i feel so awful for it. how can i ever hope to become more compassionate when it is this easy to topple all my best intentions? :(
what else can i do to move past this? please help.
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